Me and my itchy fingers.
While fiddling, i impulsively decided to try a new template...
well... i guess it looks okie...
but there is not turning back now.

Now i have to fiddle more and try to get an email link up.
And i wonder how... Hmmm....

Thanks lainey for alerting me to the fact that there is something wrong with my comment counter. Strange to say, while people are able to post comments on my blogs, the counter doesn't click. Hence all these while, i have been ignoring my comment buttons because i thought no one had ever commented on anything that i wrote. Not that it really mattered of course, since i am just happily typing my drivel here and there. But it was very nice to go back and read some of the comments friends wrote at different times and i felt really really blessed in some ways because at the times when i thought i was alone, someone is really reading my junk here.

Anyway, thanks for being here with me all these times. It is sort of nice to be reminded that i'm not alone just when i thought that i was. Now if only someone can tell me how to fix that comment button thing. It would really make my day. *grins*

I think i shall go "fiddle".

This tiring roller coaster... brought us back to a levelled plane.

Last sunday, I painted a portrait of him by the beach where we had sandwiches and apples. I was nursing a cold and the sea breeze wasn't helping much yet it was one of the nicer sunday i could remember in a while. I just wanted to paint something, anything. He convinced me to try painting him. I don't know how many times i refused but he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Just try"

I was worried about getting it wrong. Doing a bad job and wreaking the painting. Worried about being laughed at for the sorry attempt. He insisted it would be fine. If anything, he would help me with it. Amidst all my protesting, i started to sketch and erase away my mistakes. Half-muttering to myself that i couldn't do it, he reached over and took over my canvas. I couldn't see if there was any likeness but he thought it was getting on fine and helped me to refine whatever i had on the canvas. By the time i started to paint, the need to be "correct" got alittle less. Before long, both of us were painting on the same portrait. I am not sure who paint what and where or who corrected whom but it became fun and enjoyable again. The mounting pressure of doing a "good" painting in the beginning slowly dissipated. He never once told me that i was doing a bad job and i stop looking at him as though he knew what he was doing. He was just trying, just like me. And what made it work, was that both of us tried without faulting each other in the process. It took a while for both of us to finally stop because there always something we wanted to fix, be it the eyes, the mouth or the rocks. We were so carried away, sitting on our little straw mat beneath the tree. I remembered what i knew of him from before. He could never quite tell when to stop for a painting. I think i'm quite the same way.

I can't say that the portrait of him by the beach was any good. But i can see a certain resemblence. I can see the rocks that both of us just gave up on and decided to go for the "impressionistic" method, the highlights on the face which we couldn't quite leave alone, the funny lips and the over-corrected eyes and the curly italian hair. I could see how the yellow streaks resembling matisse were not there.

"Maybe next time" he said. It was only a joke dear.
He never once laughed at me.

Would you like me to put the painting up?

If you would despise me, I would be eternally grateful because then, I can feel free to despise you too.

Nothing like some balance in the world to make everyone feel good.

Do i think it would work?
Do i think it wouldn't?
Right now, who cares what i think anymore?
Right?

Just need to quell this mounting anxiety and panic.
It will be over soon.
A cold turkey sandwich is what i am having for lunch.

I feel like a person who has lost all sense of touch.

Sometimes i fear losing you.
Other times i fear losing myself.
More so now, i fear being alone.
But still, look at what i've lost?

It doesn't matter as long as i am still here.
Some parts of me at least.
I am still here.
Just me. Here.

A colleague remarked that i talk too fast.
"Breathe Alice, breathe" she said.
I noticed that too... this quickening of pace in my speech.
Words tumbling over one after the other, in a hurry to outdo each other.
I pant and gasp for air at times, feeling my throat going to give out on me.
Losing my voice.
I don't know why am i in such a hurry these days.
Or have so many things to say.
Or say them so quickly to people.
To be heard, more than to hear.
I can't wait nor stop, like a bull-dozing locomotive, i wait for nothing.
Not even for my next breath.
Squeezing all the mileage from the air in my lungs,
I stop for nothing.
I just want to let it all out, get it all out.
Afraid of being buried, not being heard.
Fear of losing my voice, myself.
I pant and gasp for air.
I know i talk too fast, too loud.

"Breathe Alice, breathe"

17/07/03 Thursday

I brought my mom to watch Fei Yu Qing on the first night of his performance. Incidentally it was also the singer's 48th birthday. Not that it mattered to my mom, she just liked his music and so do i. My dad has been complaining on the phone from china about missing out on his concert but it was just too bad that only my mom was back in singapore at that time.

The indoor stadium was totally packed and my mom could not stop remarking on how popular Fei Yu Qing is, even after so long. The act opened predictably enough with the singer crooning some of the familiar ballards with the ever glizzy backup dancers and life band. He sounded pretty much the same after all these years and surprisingly, i could singalong with most of the songs that night. It is the second time that i have watched him perform.

It is more than a sense of nostagia that i felt that night. I know the songs are familiar but never has other kind of music ever evolved the kind of feelings that 70-80s chinese music would. These are the music that never fails to transport me into a time and space which i could remember but never recall. The feelings and images of childhood that remain locked up deep in my mind except when i heard these songs. I don't recall ever listening to them or ever having a chance to but yet, they are there somehow. The images accompanying them unreachable when the music stopped. It was an almost hynoptic trance that one is in and having some memories which you never consciously knew were there.

Between the songs during the concert, i slipped in and out of having been somewhere else, being another child during my childhood. Where did i remember these songs? Why do i know how to sing them? Why do i feel this way about them? Why do i remember and not recall? Has it been the tv? The radio?

I remember the first time i've seen Fei Yu Qing. It must have been before i was 6, when i was still living in JB. It was a theatre. I think it must have been. A younger man, a smaller space and no dancers but everything else remained the same. The same songs, the same act... except he had one a long strip of pink toilet paper draped round his neck, pretending that it was a scarf while imitating Gao Ling Feng. Another memory intruded: red semi-circular velvet lounge chairs, dance floor, running and gliding and feeling the velvet chairs. My dad in a safari suit and a chinese restaurant. Was i wearing pink? So many songs playing at the same time. I felt like singing. There was just me and one other brother. The two of us running amongst loud people chatting over drinks.

Childhood has always come to me in bits and pieces. But never as clear as when i listen to the music of that era. Never with such clarity and vibrance. It is a sense of being cocoon and wrapped in my old baby blanket and hugging my smelly bolster again. To feel contented and surrounded by something safe and comforting. To remember and to recall finally at that moment where everything stood still.

I don't think anything else could have brought me back that close to my childhood.

My mom told my brother after the concert that i behaved pretty much like a excited child during the show, clapping and singing the songs. "Just like a kid" she said fondly. Perhaps she didn't know how close she was to the truth when she said that.

Its been awhile since i have last blogged and during that time, i have watched one movie, my mother has been back from Singapore and left, both my brothers came back from overseas (canberra and london) and one has already left and i have watched the Fei Yu Qing concert with my mom.

I am quite sure i must have done a million and one other things during these 2 1/2 weeks but perhaps they were inconsequential. I am not sure.

Realization no 53:

I have become lazy.

Went to STORM on friday.

Enjoyed the venue and event though there was a bit of a screw up with some of the DVDs. In particular, his kids' work was not shown and all the girls were quite disappointed. Some of the parents were there too and it got pretty embarrassing i guess. By the time they got the tracks to be shown, the girls had already left. In any case, i am looking forward to more of such events from TAV... I liked the idea of public screenings, using public spaces for artistic purposes. I guess it is something different. I am always looking forward to something different. The sandwiches sponsored for the event tasted nice too. *chuckles*

I saw
a cat with a human face
with wrinkles on her forehead
and small eyes
peering at me solemnly.

Work has been hectic with the new operational model in place at school. Students started to come in at 8.15am and the last kids to leave at 5.15pm. Basically, i had to be in classes during that duration, except for lunch time around noon. Things should become better soon once all the children have settled down after the holidays and i should have a bit more time to do my reports rather than troubleshooting in the classroom. Things are quite chaotic as we have a lot of new teachers as well as new students but thankfully, nothing unmanagable as yet, however i do foresee a more hectic schedule for the next half of the year. It seems like i am always lacking in time to accomplish what i have set out to. One thing or the other always needed my attention in the classroom. Checking up on my therapy children and helping the new teachers to prepare what they have to teach. One teacher has already thought of quitting on the third day because she was having a hard time settling into the demands of the job. Not that i blame her, the child she have is a particularly difficult child. But as my colleague and i has shared during the introductory workshop for the teach teachers before school reopened, the work is not going to be easy but there will always be help available. We are all trying our best and even the psychologists would not always have the answers. But i think, not everyone is suited for such a job and it is not something we can force people to do. It is only the first week, i guess it will take some time before everyone gets comfortable with what they are doing.

Realization no 52:

It is better not to write anything while drunk.

Everytime, when "I love you" reached the tip of my tongue, in the most appropriate moment, I inevitably swallow it. Languishing in the fact that I still think too much and by the time i have decided that "yes, it is time", the perfect moment has passed yet again. After that heady feeling passed, i think i am relieved once again of having not taking that plunge and settled back comfortably into this little niche.

Dialogue

I know it is your room too but you really shouldn't bite you know...
Yes yes, i understand the feral need for its own territories.
What?
Of course. Like lions.
Just like lions.
No, i would not like to think of us as a herd. No. Not your female.
Think of me as a food and comfort provider instead.
That makes sense. Doesn't it?
Stop showing me your tummy. No, i am not going to rub it.
Oh. Alright.
Where was i?
Yes. You shouldn't bite.
None of those sneak attacks.
None of those "pretending" to be in the jungle/safari pouncing.
No more documentaries for you.
I suspect you watch too much tv. Why can't you be like a soft toy for a change?
Oh. Sorry. I don't mean that as an insult.
...
He is getting quite pissed you know.
I know the room is "your" space for the last 2 years...
but... i have known him for much longer than i've known you.
Fair is fair.
Neither of you is the alpha male.
Yes neither.
Think of him as your brother.
Fair is fair.
And please no more who dominates here games.
It is wearing me out okie?
Now you purr. Everytime you are at the losing end of the argument, you purr.
That's sneaky.
I am on to your little mind games and i am not budging.
Oh? Okie. Maybe just half a bowl more. But that's it. Ok?
Look at your tummy.
Everyone kept telling me how fat you are.
Well, we both know you are just big... Still, got to watch your weight.
Yes. Even cat get obese. That's what the vet said.
Hmm?
Sigh.
I know.
Life is like an endless buffet, sunshine, cuddling and playing to you.
Silly cat. Ouch. Stop biting!
...
...

meow?

...
Silly cat.

It has only been 10 days but why do i feel like i have been gone for such a long time? I realized i have missed out on a lot of things or things has passed me by and i have been totally oblivious. It is like waking up finally after a long dreamless sleep when i stepped back in tune with the people and events around me, only to find that i have missed a huge chunks of what may have been important.

I don't regret not knowing though.
Just vaguely surprised and intriged at how it had happened.

Is it possible to be in a coma while waking up?
Oh. I just went on holiday.
But from what i have missed, it seemed that i have been on a holiday for a long, long time, not just the 10 days.

Now it seemed a little amusing trying to decipher which is my real life and which is my holiday.

I am so happy to receive your call today.
A nice surprise.

You took a scary ride with me when no one else could have ever gotten you to do it.
So you said.
Am i special?
Or perhaps you are more easily swayed than you think you are.

The tarot reader at Fremantle really hit the nail on the head.
Scary.

Spent alot of money on weird-ass things.
Don't ask me how, i don't even remember what i bought.

I fight because i am confused.
That i have no idea where i am
what i am to do
so i strike out, trying to land some punches.
To hit something solid
so as to know my boundaries in this darken halls
around my mind.

I fight because i do not know how
to stop, to feel secure being at peace.
To be still and feel a sense of my own presence
with people around me.
Only in a state of activity do i detect
the space around which i evolved.

I adhor serenity and stillness because
i can no longer feel where i belong
and i am lost amidst a stagnant
existence.

This is the 3rd country i get stopped by the traffic patrol for speeding.
Some odd momento to get wherever i drive.

Perth

Been quite a week.
Now adrenaline running low and i just felt like zonking out half the time.
Weather has been fine from the minute i stepped off the plane last friday.
But this weekend has been quite cloudy and perhaps a tad bit of rain.

Thing i really enjoy most this past week was driving around, enjoying the sun and being alone.
Lots to think about and ponder over.
Knowing that i can and will be able to take care of myself.
Not that it is difficult to do so in perth.
But hey, from little victories, we moved to greater ones.

And i want to move.

Finally made my decision.

PHD is off. Decided not to take it up and will not live to regret it.
Wasn't easy coming to that decision but at least it was quite clear to myself why i have chosen not to do it.

Initially, PHD was a goal because that's where the next academic milestone typically is after obtaining a Masters. It is something being kept at the back of my mind after graduation because it was a rational target and one i wouldn't mind working for if i can't find a job. From time to time, i do find myself entertaining that thought of going to study full time for a PHD when job gets tough. And why not? It seemed a logical choice to make. Where else would i be going since i would not consider changing my field of work at all? Obtaining another post-graduate degree seems like a likely plan.

Hence, it seemed like a "sign" that i was even encouraged at work to try for a PHD. Application was sent, testimonial received and 3 months later, i was suddenly faced with the choice of actually doing a PHD. And what followed was a whirlwind of how to manage my study, my work, the practicalities, the time committment and responsibilities being bombarded on me. I guess while trying to make sure that i can accomodate completing the PHD, i have not really asked myself, WHY a phd? What does it do for me? In some crazy ways, i have forgotten to answer the most fundamental question of all. Sure, if phd takes only a year and i am just picking up another degree along the way at no cost of my own, being fully funded for and what not. But no, I must be prepared to give up half my job, which i love to do, just so that i can manage to complete my phd in 4 years time. I have to be prepared to give up my social life, other oppuntunities of extra skills training courses, travelling, and personal space for a PHD. When i am confronted with this, I have to ask myself, is the PHD going to be personally fulfuiling and worthwhile for me to do all that?

So is it?

Why did i complete a masters? Do i really like to study that much? To be frank, my main objective of getting a masters was so that i can be recognized as a practising psychologist and be hired as one. To put my foot into the door so to speak. Because i KNOW that is what i want to do. To be a psychologist working DIRECTLY with children. To do intervention. To affect changes in other's life. To get dirty and scruffy. To not get stuck behind a desk, wear power suits, have my butt glued to an armchair. Those were my goals. They still are. And i must say, my effort at my masters degree had paid off because this is precisely what i am doing now at my job and i LOVE it. So what else can a PHD bring me? Prestige? A comfy chair in some university later in my life? Piles of papers and researches to read through and write? Even if i don't do those, i will be stuck at my job at the exact same place from 4 years ago before i even start the PHD. That is not what i want. It will not add any VALUE to what my goals are. I want to hone my skills as a clinician. To learn new therapy techniques. To work with more children. To understand them better.

Will a PHD by research give me all that? I don't think so. So do i want to sacrifice another 3-4years of my life just to pursue that prestige but little else? If i were to do that, it would mean more than giving up my social life and having fun. I would be giving up the chance to learn new things applicable to my work (since phd require half my work time), and i would be giving up pursuing my REAL goals in life. Sure, i would love to be called Dr Lee, make my parents proud and if PHD can be done in a year or so, why not? But it is not. I realized if i were to take it on, i would be giving up on most of the things that are important to me. If i were to be force to give those up, it damn well be for something that is more fulfuiling that a PHD.

Sorry to have to go through all those things before i make my decision. I guess i wasn't as aware of myself and what i want as i originally thought. Anyway, it was nice to know that i can be accepted onto the program. Perhaps some days i will pursue a doctorate. But this time i'll know exactly what i want and i know doing research is not it. Who knows, perhaps 3 years down the road i could be embarking on a doctorate for clinical psychology where it would be a full time degree with practicum instead of research. That's something i could explore. But till then, its going to be byebye to the PHD and back to work with a new realization of where i want to be in years to come.

I think i will be happier this way.

Things packed.
Money changed.
Ready for take off.

Arranged for car rental and accomodations in perth already
and looking forward to spending sometime alone...
going to check out the school and see my proposed supervisor while i'm there
some plans to go to albany with my colleague
now all i need to do is change some money for the trip

Hmm blogger has a new look...
when did this happen?

Finally got my car back from garage and felt kind of weird driving it at first.
Felt like driving a new car...
Been abit edgy these days when driving, always on a look out for some errant drivers that may shoot out from nowhere.
This is a new fear.
I guess that's something i have learnt.

Been trying to garner donations for prizes at our annual dinner & dance for my school.
It has been really really difficult and everytime i call a particular company, i can tell that most would not be very forthcoming with sponsoring gifts for the teachers in this economic climate. Several i have spoken with have rejected me outright and most cited this as the reason why that could not entertain such request for now. I guess i can understand though it is quite sad for us because as a charity organization, we are quite at the bottom of the economic foodchain already. I am really scratching my head trying to come up with enough gifts for the event because the teachers have been quite stressed out lately and the D&D is a good time to finally unwind after a tough year.

In any case, if anyone wants to donate a gift or cheque or vouchers or anything like that... please let me know.
I am definitely still trying... hopefully some companies would be willing to sponsor some nice gifts despite SARS and bad economy.

Finally settled the insurance, road tax and all that...
Just need to wait for the letter of conviction to come out for the other guy and everything will go back to normal...

Hmm... A sudden burst of activity.
Well...

Hello Adrian.

I screwed up my results delibrately.. and ended up with this..


You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Silly rhymes..

Prancing, dancing, flying through the air.
Arm hurts.
Cursing, swearing, hurting but i just don't care.

Watched the matrix on wednesday...

I enjoyed the philosophy... the room for discussion on the premises and ideology
but i find the action contrived and similar.
A showcase of big budget "never-seen-before" special effects.
I am not easily impressed by special effects i think.

Now lets see how it ends in november.

I walk through old dreams
sieving through grains of thoughts
to find
old memories peering at me
through a canopy of
hazy expectations.

I know it sounds terribly chichi and taitai but heck...
I like fullerton slightly more than the plaza.

so what?

Nice weekend spent at Fullerton Hotel...
Enjoyed the hi-tea and breakfast and of course... the pool and sunset.

Thank you.

This may be silly but...

Your love personality type is ESFJ

About 11% of the U.S. population possesses the combination of traits that make up this personality type.

Being an ESFJ means that loyalty is usually what counts for you. As a result, one of the first things others are likely to notice about you is how invested you are in your relationships. You're rarely a fair-weather friend. In fact, you probably manage to keep many of your important connections with others for life. This isn't very surprising when you consider that you're the kind of person who draws much of your energy from those around you. Your warm and friendly nature is another factor that keeps others with you for the long haul. Regardless of the aspect of your life, you probably find that people naturally gravitate to you.

In relationships, you're the kind who gives your heart but keeps your wits about you. As a result, you have the stuff needed to be a strong partner. Know that you're more committed than most people are to making others happy. You'd likely give away the shirt off your back if it would help someone you care about.

Given your test results, Emode's personality experts have determined your four most compatible matches when connecting with others. One of those four compatible types is an INFP.

Lastly (i will stopped after this for the night)...

I received my offer of candidature for PHD from Murdoch a couple of days ago.
Just when i was all stressed out with the accident, the car, the insurance, my arm, my work, my case conference reports... last thing i needed was to think about how am i going to manage working and conducting an all out research for PHD.
Gave me nightmares.

Now that things are more or less more settled, i had some time to think it through and i wonder how much do i really want to do PHD.
Sure, getting a doctorate is nice. Being called Dr Lee certainly has its merits... What more contributing to an area which i really enjoy working in...
But do i have the determination to carry it through?
And it is not going to be something that will finish in 1 year or even 2...
It is going to take 3-4 years at least.
Plus working on top of that... it meant sacrificing at least 2-3nights a week and couple of weekends a month...
And that is being conservative in my estimation.
No more social life... being discipline... keeping up steady revision and working on the research continual.. for 3-4 years.

I am overwhelmed just thinking about it.
I DO want to get my doctorate.
This is a good chance... whatmore i do not have to worry about money because i have received a grant from the uni exempting me from fees and stuff.
All i need to do is to put in the effort.
Rather, find the time to do it.
One alternative is to work part-time at my job.
It is a possible course of action since the pay-cut would not really affect me much now because i am young and single AND staying with supportive parents.
I realized i am in a good position to take up the offer more than most who need the full time job or those with family.
Yet, i hesitate... and is quite apprehensive.
More of my abilities to carry it off altogether and staying focus...

Boy... decisions decisions decisions...
How do i know if i am capable enough?

This is nothing, but i just want to make a note since i don't do this often at all.
Actually, i don't recall when have i ever done this in the last 6 years.

I watched a silly chinese romantic comedy, "Honesty" in the theater.

Gee.
Mindblowing.

Watched Bowling for Colombine one of the days...
Quite enjoyable, though my companions would probably have enjoyed it more if it has not been a midnight show.
As usual Michael Moore was at his satirical politician-bashing best...
I am not saying that he has been altogether objective but it was enjoyable to hear someone rage against the "almighty" US of A once in a while..
Some premises are interesting, though the pro-canadian stance did grate a trifle..
So... no one lock their doors in Canada huh?

Oddly, one of the person who made the most sense was... surprisingly, Marilyn Manson.
How cool was that?

Watched xmen on the day of the accident and enjoyed it very much...
Don't think i will ever forget the movie though it is only because it will be forever linked to the accident in my mind.

Been resting arm..
my physiotherapist colleague has been helping me exercise my arm and it has been better..

well.. insurance things are sort of sorted.. Hmm..
end result is fixing car and waiting for the other guy to be convicted..
abit sorry for him actually..
oh well.. just wish whole thing never happened..
or wish if only i have noticed the other car earlier..

just want things to be over and getting on with my life..

Not my most favourite xmen character... but oh well...


You are Storm!

You are very strong and very protective of those
you love. You are in tune with nature and are
very concerned with justice and humanity.
Unfortunately, certain apprehensions and fears
are very hard for you to overcome, and can
often inhibit you when most need to be strong.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

A belated thank you to one...
for taking care of me that night...
for calling me darling so naturally the whole night...
for caring...

Though i wish you would do that all the time instead of waiting for a catastrophe to happen before you ...
But heck, at least it was something...

I think i am going to have meself a butter cookie.

Thanks babes for all yer help and suitcase...

Not in the mood to unpack the stuff yet...
Freaking feel like some funeral and saying goodbye to car when went down to remove all my barang-barang.
Realized that my car has become a convenient storeroom for my junk...
Most probably insurance will write-off the car and now feeling dem depressed.
After all the years of driving it, there are some attachment form to good ole 1574...

Damn.

How troublesome that everytime i wanted to type something longer, blogger hangs on me...

I
Saturday night, while driving back from the movie Xmen2, got involved in a accident where i sprained my elbow and trashed the car. I was driving straight at a junction while the light was green when another car made a right turn from the opposing lane directly into my path. After the impact all i could asked was "Wasn't the light green?" over and over again. I guess in my shock, i couldn't really register what was happening... But i could have sworn that the light was green. My right arm was hurting so badly and partly due to the shock, i couldn't stop crying and was still doing so when the ambulance drove me to the A&E at SGH. Xray showed no fracture though i am expected back for another xray a week later to check if there are any hairline fracture. Was also given 5 days MC. Initially i couldn't move my arm at all, and my fingers felt numb but it has grown better over the last two days. Though it still hurt whenever i move my elbow and it has been a great hassle doing even the littlest things like attempting to dress myself or tie my hair, at least i can type slowly without much pain if i place my elbow on the table and barely moving it.

II
Called my parents in china from the ambulance and within the hour, even my brother called from canberra to see how i was. Everyone assured me that the car is the last thing i should worried about yet i couldn't stop saying sorry to my dad after seeing the wreck. Found out later that the other driver failed the breath analyzer test and was arrested. After settling down and getting over the initial shock, now i have to look into clearing up the mess. Went down to TP today to have my statement taken and found that since there was not witness to say that the other driver has beaten the red light, the case may not hold in a civil court. The investigation may take a few months. In the meantime, i was served a notice stating that i may be charge in the future for dangerous driving despite not having done so because it was part of the TP's standard procedure in such cases till investigations are over, while the other driver is out on bail and will subsequently be charged for drunk driving.

III
After visiting the TP, i had to go to the police post to make another accident report for the insurance company and look into getting my car out from the traffic police pound. After a few misses and going to the wrong workshop (C&C mercedes service centre at Ubi doesn't deal with accident cases), i had to arrange for the car to be towed to Pandan loop instead. Back home making phone calls and found out that i could not fax the letter of undertaking to the vehicle recovery centre, but had to go down personally to the pound at Airport road in a hurry to beat the 5pm closing time. Once there, all i had to do was give the memo from the TP to the reception and i was done. The tow driver was so kind as to give me a lift to the main road.

It was my first time in a tow truck.

So many things to do... Have to go down to pandan loop to get the insurance claim going and clear out my car. Insurance person say that i may not be able to claim against the other driver if he is being charge for drunk driving. What a bloody mess.

It been a hectic day and a rough weekend.

Last four film fest movies: Russian Ark, Eat Sleep No women, Blind Spot and 11.09.01 September 11.

All documentaries.. or sort of.
I wish i can type everything that we had discussed here but my right hand hurt and there are things i just cannot repeat.

Russian Ark -
Beautifully shot. Enjoyed the whole idea of using just one take. Would love to visit the Hemitage one day. What massive planning.
Only thing is that while there were parts i understood, the rest were quite detached from me as i know little of the russian history.
There must be so many layered meanings which i wish i knew about, or the connotations, the symbolism. But i don't... hence a certain sense of alienation.
I remembered you say, the marquise could represent the voice of the The Hemitage. While the unknown narrator could be the future of the Hemitage. In a way it made sense and i liked the idea of history given a physical form and a voice. So many reasons we talked through. It made the film worth watching... these discussions.

Blind Spot -
In comparision, did not have beautiful images that would keep one entralled... instead it was purely a study of human emotions and everything it was, was the story she had to tell. The thing that struck me was the part where she was viewing her own interview and trying to explain again why she said certain things. It must not have been easy.. It must be tedious, having this guilt and having to consciously explain and justify yourself to others.

Eat, Sleep, No Women -
A movie we did not pay for. Snuck into the theatre 15minutes after it started because there were not urshers at the door. It was not planned and i am not saying that i am proud of sneaking in. Felt exhilarating nonetheless. Enjoyable movies. My favourite line: "If my mother saw the tv looking like that (green blobs), she would have called the repair man". It was interesting, tying up different people's experiences in different places on the day of 7th oct. And i enjoyed the director's sense of humor.

September 11 -
Collection of 11 movies from directors all over. Particularly enjoyed the one from africa where a group of boys tried to capture osama bin laden. It dealt with the topic matter in a light hearted manner without dismissing the seriousness of the issue. A little surprise that a majority of the film portrayed the incident no wholly in a pro-US manner. That is quite refreshing. Sept 11 was a tragedy yes, but there were other tragedies before and thereafter, and some perpetuated by the americans. Whether in terms of numbers of casualties or the magnitude of the destruction. What do child refugees in Iran or Africa know and care of what is happening so far away? Especially when they themselves faces tribulations everyday of their lives. I thought what stood out the most was the film from Mexico, where it would have been more successful in my view if they have left out the "moralizing" after the ending where they had a bright light and arabic line: does god's light guide us or blind us. The split second images of people falling from the world trade centre and the continuous voices over darken screen, made me focus not so much the motives of the perpetuators or the repercussions being justified by this act, but the act in itself. The tragedy. The loss. It is really difficult to watch or listen. That's why i thought it was so successful, the visual being so imbedded in our minds that even looking at the darken screen did nothing to minimise the horrors of what we could have seen. By putting the focus on the act, it derailed us from putting forth judgement for the moment but just purely concentrate for a few minutes on the pain and the fear.

Realization no 51:

Never, NEVER talk behind other people's back even though you have already check to see if the coast is clear.

The City of God, a truly enjoyable movie.
In fact i couldn't find any thing bad with it.
Great story, superb editing and cinematography.
Wonderful acting and sound track.
I am usually a little disdainful of "arty" movies because the "overdone-ness" of the way it was made.
The chinese phrase is called "zuo4 zuo4".
But this one is gritty without being so, and i must say it is the best film i have seen so far in the film fest after The Man without a Past.

Both of you have been with me throughout this ordeal.
Both of you knew what happened.
Knew how i coped with it.
In a way, you both have grown to be my lifejacket.
Supporting me through life.

I don't think they know how much they had helped.
Being with them gave me little breaks which i need.
The only time i had to feel normal other than being at work and at home.
Breaks from life.
So that i can feel normal.
Now both of them have their own lives and i am so happy for them.
They too deserved so much to be happy in their lives.
Its been a long while for them.
They can't be my cocoon forever.
And they shouldn't be.
I am happy that they both each hold on to a little happiness.
I just need to find my own.
Everyone has ventured out of our little protective sphere.
Except me.
I don't have the strength to find new cocoons.
Even going out with people to be sociable takes effort.
With the both of them don't take that much effort because they knew.
I cannot imagine having to go through reciting my problems and my life
to find myself a new life jacket.
Its time to stand on my own i think.

After all the news about being "irresponsible" and "irrational", a mother came to school with her child but omitted to tell us that she is having a fever earlier in the week. Her health declaration form said that she was not having fever, cough and breathlessness. In truth, she has been having a fever AND she has been at the hougang polyclinic involved in the SARS case on the very day. The contact tracing had not reached her yet and her husband, fearing HQO told the mother to "not tell" the school about her fever, but bring the child to school as usual. Imagine our fears when by chance, she told another mother that she has been unwell and was found to have a fever more than 38c. She was then sent home immediately but she and her child has been in school for the last few days.

I cannot imagine how people can be so selfish. We work in an environment with children who cannot help it but may have a tendency to drool, have poor oral hygiene and may bite people. We have close contact with our children because of the nature of our jobs. Here we are, being so careful for the sake of our children so as to not accidentally infect anyone incase we are sick, but there are just some selfish individuals who would put other children and adults at risk. Mind you, our children aren't the most resislient people either.

Appalling.

Later the mother's fever subside and she said doctor certify that she is okie. Thankfully it was not the dreadful SARS. But still, the whole experience is horrible. Imagine if it were to be SARS... Ignorance is not an excuse. It is wilful selfishness and that cannot be condoned.

I don't want to remember Bread and Tulips.
But i do!
What it meant.
What it brought about.
How everything fell down around me in the ensuring weeks.
Less than a month.
27th April til Vesak Day.
All gone.

Why do you keep me trap here?
What are you?
What powers do you have?
Why me?
Why don't you fucking leave me alone?
How much longer do you intend to keep me here?
What do you want with me?
Why?

What's wrong with me?

Good friday was hardly good.
You don't know how much it took from me to go and watch the gospel according to matthew at the film fest.
Don't know how hard it was to stay there.
But then perhaps you do. I know you do.
But it doesn't make it easier.
If only i can tell you what went on in my head.
The fact that you wanted to held my hand at times made it worse.
But that is the perpetual conflict isn't it... wanting to take comfort and yet the very act irks me at times.
Because it led to more questions, doubts about what had happened... before.

I couldn't concentrated on the film.
I can't help looking around fugitively.
Knowing very well that i have no need to.
Why should i? But why do i?
I left in a daze and hardly knew what to say or what to do.
There is really no reason.
But why do i?
What do i want from myself or you?
Sometimes i don't even know.
A beer later and you appeared.
Just on the verge of an abyss and you appeared.
Perhaps you knew how close we got to that edge.
I think you do.
Sometimes better than i. Especially when i am drunk.
Drunk on bad memories.
That i did not know i was falling.

You pulled us back once more.
Ararat.
The man without a past.
Good movies. Enjoyable movies.
Bad speculations came and went in waves,
but i held on to your hand.
Warm and dry, it held on to me.
A tentative grip but still, its there.
I can feel you losing yourself and your strength ebbing.
But i am in no position to help you.
It already took so much from me to not lose myself when i am facing you.
If only i can manage myself better, it would be easy for you too.
Crazily enough, things were slightly better then i am not facing you.
But what i wouldn't give to see you and feel like i used to again.
Without fear and burden.
Some days.
Just some days it seems possible.

Not others.
When will it all come to an end?

What you wrote sort of made me think, though i really don't know how to explain the way some things turn out the way they do. I guess you are not the only person aware of it...

Funny game with domo-kun, this little cute (well, in my opinion) mascot from NHK in japan.
Saw the toy while i was in japan and it looked like this brown hairy box with a big mouth, small eyes and wringing arms.
Sort of like an uglier tasmanian devil.
Well, you got to see it to believe it.

Uncle caught a small snake on monday and along with it came two eggs. We weren't sure if those were snake eggs or were they lizard eggs that the snake was trying to eat but my colleague broke one and it had an slightly developed embroyo on it (well, there was sort of a body and one big eye so its hard to tell what it would have been). The snake must be around the length from the tip of my fingers to my elbow. Quite a feisty little thing and was literally "bouncing" around in the bucket whenever we attempt to pick it up from the bucket. It looked like an ordinary grass snake but my colleagues and I could not agree if it is an small adult snake or a baby snake. In any case, the school uncle didn't think we ought to release it back to the field behind the school while I couldn't knowingly dump the snake in a plastic bag to kill it. Hence me and two other social workers took the snake to MacRichie Reservoir and let it loose near the forested area. When we shook the snake out from the bucket onto the grass, it was surprisingly placid and we could pick it up without it getting all hostile or attempting to bite (though it didn't seem to have teeth, or perhaps small ones). I think my colleague was seriously thinking of keeping it as a pet but in the end we let it go into the bushes, along with the other egg still left intact on the ground.

Actually, after the whole experience, what interest me most was the fact that there were actually people going jogging in the middle of the day in the blazing hot sun at the reservoir. I was quite ready to get heatstroke just by looking at them.

School started and predictably some kids are not going to come to school this week since there are only going to be two days before Good Friday holiday. Still, with lesser children, we already took almost 1/2 hour to visually screen through all the kids and it has not always been easy since some of the children had a difficult time standing still while you screen them. Some of them were quite upset since it has been a while since they have been to school. Quite a hectic day and after 3 weeks of stagnation, time certainly flew by today. I welcome it actually, it is good to finally run around to see my kids now that school has reopened or else i am going to turn into a vegetable after sitting in an empty school for so long.

School is opening on wednesday and we are all geared up setting screening procedures to tackle screening whole busload of children once they come to school. Some problems are to be anticipated but hopefully, it won't be insurmountable.

Crazy things are happening to me.
You say you will get rid of my nightmares...
but how could you when you are part of it?

After viewing the pictures... makes me sick really.

More people came down with SARS.
An occupational therapist working in my school just called today to say that his son and wife has been given quarantine orders because they had gone to this clinic in Bishan where they did a SARS victim tracing. He sounded really worried especially since his son falls sick quite often.

I guess the problem is closer to us than we thought.

Today a truck bearing the name Merlin suddenly cut into my path, forcing me to slam on my brakes.
It is some company that seems to deal with wooden frames.
I swore and honked.
I hate it when it happened.
Some old housing estate block behind the esso gas station is called Merlin Mansion.
Its old and yellow.
The building looks like a relic left over from the early 70s.
Perhaps it is not.
I hate it too.
In fact i hate the name... everything connected to it.
I hate it to the core.
I hate what it has became in my life.
I hate it.
HATE IT.

I do know what hate it.
I really do.

My mom has been following the news about Leslie Cheung's suicide over the chinese papers. She made me buy wan bao back for her everyday. Even though i know artiste are people too, but somehow they seem more of an entity than someone real. I don't know. We watch them on tv, in the movies, listen to them over the radio, read about their lifes on the papers. It is with a gasp of shock when news of suicide, accidents and death comes to us. Somehow, their lives have transcended beyond the ordinary people. Though he has passed on, his life is still so inaccessible... like when he was alive. I guess thats what legends are.

SARS seems to be under control.
School should be starting next week.
Final confirmation to be delivered tomorrow afternoon at 2pm.
The week has been peaceful though i cannot say that i got alot of my work done.

I think i am running out of things to say.
Perhaps i am just comfortable where i am..
Perhaps too much things are happening around us..
Perhaps i am just watchful..
Holding my breath to see what else can happen.. what else will happen.

"The time has come,

For us to talk of many things.

Of kings, cabbages

And flying pigs with wings."

One of his sec4 student started her homework email with this little passage which i thought was pretty apt and clever.
So, what shall we talk about today?

Went to a peace rally at Substation tonight where some friends performed.
Enjoyed some of the poetry but still reeling from the end performance by the above-said friends.
I guess it felt pretty 70s that sort of brings you back to the hippy "peace" era...
I am still trying to sort out how i feel and some of the feelings invoked within.

I like the way ruski cuddles up to me, jumping onto my lap and sleeping there while i type on the computer.

Ruski sits on my bed watching the tv,
while i sit at the computer watching him.

A friend is suppose to have a performance at substation today but i couldn't go.
Perhaps wouldn't is a better word.
Bad memories?

Had a nice coffee on friday and today...
Also a great bbq on saturday, met up with a couple of people i have not met before...
Little pleasures in life?

Turns out that all the therapists (that's me) have to be in school throughout and if anyone wanna stay home has to take annual leave. I think some of my colleagues not too happy about that because for one it is like telling us that while things are in an emergency, we got to use our AL for that. What more we are also told that some of us may have to cancel our travel plans in June as school will be extended during that time.. Teachers are suppose to treat it like school hols now so they wont have to come back but like us they have to work during the June hols. Well, i wont take any leave for now. Guess i will have to hang around the nearly empty school for a while.

Then there is SARS...
School is now officially close and we are all suppose to stay away till april 6.
Before today, my colleagues were still joking that it would be nice to close the school and have an extended holiday.
Now that we have a "holiday", i can't help but feel so worried...
not so much for myself but for everyone.
When will it all blow over?

This is worse than my one-stone-theory.

First it was the war.
The surrealism of watching POWs on tv and looking at the brutalities and casualties.
Looking at missiles and war planes and sand storms.
It did not seem real.
I think i grew up taking peace for granted, so much so that it did not feel real to read about people dying in war barely one week after the war started.
Perhaps war has always been around somehow but even operation desert storm seem like some theatericals than something real.
Why am i shock within my core now that some marines or iraqis has been killed in action.
That's what war is about isn't it?
Exerting one's control/power and sacrificing human lives for a cause?
Isn't it just a numbers game?
Who has more people, more human shield, more missiles, more planes, more warheads, more chemical weapons?
Why does it shock me to the core then when the first casualties rolled in?
Because until that moment, it didn't seem real.
And from this moment on, I really don't know what will happen...

It is the bloody war.. and sars epidemic...
What the frick is happening to everyone and everything?

My dad and I got two matching handphones.
*beams*
It sounds silly but i think that is really really sweet.

Parents are back from GZ and had a harrowing scare for a while cos mom was coughing a few days before she flew home and i was worried sick about the possibilities of SARS. But thankfully, she is all clear and seems perfectly fine now. The folks are back for a short stint as my mom needed to go for her annual check up and various fixer-upper from her eyes to her vericose veins in her legs. At least they are both physically quite fine, espcially my dad. In fact i think he has put on some weight since i last saw him in Chinese new year. I am always glad when dad is home. He is like Mr Fix-it around the house who knows everything from troubleshooting a faulty car fan-belt to changing the batteries in the little gate remotes... I think i have a sort of learnt helplessness whenever my dad is home though he enjoys playing Mr lay-back and letting me sort out of this problems on my own before jumping in to help me before i am utterly defeated. When mom and dad are home, i can stop being an adult for a while and just be a little girl again. I can sass them around, tease my dad and my mom, act like a spolit brat and a doting daughter. I can cajole my mom into making my favourite dishes and tickle my dad into buying me a new phone (i am still working on a car). I know it is really disgusting but then i don't really expect anything from them... I just like to indulge in the parent-child relationship once in a while because i really don't get to see my folks often. I think i miss having parents around, just as they miss having their children around. I miss talking back to them and they miss having someone to talk back to. And as most children, we do tend to take advantage of our parents. When our whole family is living together, tension sometimes arises and that can't be helped especially we tend to feel being over-protected or restricted in our adolescence. But now that we hardly see each other, i think we make use of whatever time we have together to really indulge in a little pleasure of acting like a child or a parent because when we don't see each other, we will often treat each other like matured adults. Doesn't that sound odd? I don't know... It feels really natural to me and i am proud to say that i have remarkable parents. Both of them, though my mom used to drive me nuts. I guess each family have its little nuts and bolts here and there. But what is important is that it will all fit in somewhere... and i am happy about the way our family fitted together and i would fight tooth and nail with anyone who would criticise my folks. I guess i am protective of my family too. I think i can't be any luckier than being with the family that i have and i really don't say it often enough.

Today i will.

Thanks mom and dad... You are the best.

I have to wake up in the morning to go to work.
Just like any other weekday.

So the war started...
All i can say is, people are gonna get killed and that can't be right.
If its me just being a prude about politics and the greater "good"...
well heck.
All i know is that there wont be any more restrictions, no lines to be drawn, no boundaries because one man decided that he is above it all.

It sucks.

Sparodic thoughts...

All in all i had a good weekend... living the high life i guess.
Good dinners on saturday first with him then on sunday with the girls.
Remembering having wine with finger food in the late afternoon, watching the sun set on the 23rd floor.
Walking around the esplanade talking after dinner.
Visiting the ACM in the hot sunday morning.
Enjoying the view off the 24th floor.
Enjoying the bath and comfy duvet.
Talking to friends over cocktails and wine.
Planning for act-cute friday.
Laughing over ruskie. No, he is not fat. Merely big.
Helping sue choose a choker.
Seeing him again. Walked over for a short while to see me.
A new bag. Make that two. 40% off from OP for the month of my birthday.
Pasta that tasted like black pepper beef hor fun.
Girls in next to nothing skimpy tops. Don't people wear bras anymore?
Colourful clips.
Sitting by the river.
Nap in the hot afternoon.
Sun shinning in my eyes.
It's sunday.

Weekend...

Walking along the underpass leading to the esplanade and was discussing with him about the art piece by ye shufang adorning the length of the wall. It has little coloured circles that looked like what you would find in a nippon catalog, except bigger. He told me its a form of op-art. Op as in optic. Reminded me alittle of what we learned about perception in psychology. In any case, it was a saturday night, walking and talking about art when we noticed little indentations and holes made by poking with a finger along the huge art piece. Just as we were lamenting on the lack of public courtesy towards public art works, a group of teenagers came walking towards us, alongside the art work, happily punching holes with their fingers laughingly. And mind you, these do not look like young punks or juvenile deliquents either. There looked like kids straight out from church, or sport camps, in berms and t-shirts, sneakers and glasses. An average teenager. An average teenager that believes in nothing wrong with willfully destroying public art on display. Looking at them walking passed us giggling as one of the girls repeated could not punch in a hole, i was almost shaking with anger. Just i was ready to shout at them when i heard a voice beside me shouted out to them, "Show some respect! This is public art.". They looked around in surprise, and some laughed uneasily while others whispered loudly about "making some people angry". By golly we were angry alright. I couldn't understand how people can be so blatantly destroying public property like this. It is like as long as it ain't mine, heck, who cares? But then, why am i surprise? This is not the first time, nor the last time similar things have happened. But i guess i am just upset at the audacity of it all, vandalizing something right in public, daring to do it infront of the busy human traffic, not fugitively away from other eyes. Why? Because they felt safe that no one would say anything. The blatant disregard of all else that is not your own. And it is true, no one said anything that day and everyone looked shock or ashamed when someone did speak up. Why?

Similar incident in the asian civilization museum today where young children ran unbridle through the newly renovated museum with its interesting projections and interactive monitors. Parents letting their children bang on the monitors unconcerned and unfazed by the potential destructive nature of their children's mishandling of the equipment around. How would these children grow up to be? I wonder what is the point of spending so much money for. In any case, i beseech all who is interested in history and wants to take a good look at the ACM to go soon before everything breaks down because at the rate that the public is going, things are not going to be good condition for very long.

While i cannot help but feel sad about how things are, i want to say that i am very proud of him for saying what many others did not and for saying it before i did. Yes. Do please all show some respect to things that are not yours. How would you all like it if i go to your house and poke some holes in your walls and bang on your televisions?

Thanks you for the lovely books angie and sue babes!
Definitely gonna be a happy cat...
Oops.. perhaps ruskie should be the happy one.

I think the universe adhors sameness and rejoice in difference and chaos.
Why do we try to be different when we already are?
We should just try to be ourselves.

Today my colleague brought me to a girls' home near my place to introduce me to some of the girls there as we would both be volunteering there for the next 2-3mths. Most of these girls were referred to the home from MCDS or the juvenile court and age ranged from 11 to 18. When we were there, only some of the girls were around as some are sleeping or have left on a weekend home leave. Most are still on probation. I felt a little apprehensive as i have never interact with such youths before and i worried about how they would perceive me. I think it is only natural that they would be a little wary and defensive in the beginning, and it would not be easy to break the ice. Afterall, if i were them, i would hate me too, this older person who is coming to change me, who talks english and does not swear in hokkien, who's eagerness to help more often than not, grates on my nerves. From the profiles of the girls that my colleague shared, it is of little wonder why they would feel this way. Most came from abusive and broken homes, some had abortions or are unwed mothers, others were neglected at home and everyone suffers from a degree in the lack of self confidence. Their school work are far behind others and some are not even integrated back to school yet. Sometimes i wonder how can i help them when i have no idea of what they have gone through. One of the girls i played scrabbles with had bruises around her eye and face, and seemed so unsure about how to spell and how to get it right, yet i could tell that she had made effort to look nice, with her nicely manicured fingers and the little accessories around her hand which she played with repetitively. Just sitting beside me is another young girl that could not stop talking in a loud voice, alternating her monologue with latest Jay Chou songs and vulgarities. She was to go back home at 7.30pm and seemed so excited. By 8pm, she looked subdued and the room became really quiet. Yet another girl suddenly came next to me to ask softly if we were going to spent the night there. She must be no more than 13 and confided softly that she had a splinter in her right foot for several days now and couldn't get it out. What am i expected to do for these kids?

Later my colleague asked why did i want to volunteer and i said that "I do not want to change the world, i only hope to make a difference." And i think, that is what i honestly believe.

A sweet gesture... *smiles happily*

A bouquet of lilies from my two brothers :))

A fly drops,
drowning in blue paint.
A flick.
A brush on the rag.
A twitch.

The fly walks across the table
leaving blue prints
while trying to brush thick
blue from its wings.

Being helpful
i brushed it with turpentine
only to
kill it
instead.

I have started a oil painting classes recently. The teacher sounds gay and can't spell, but paints well. It took me a while to be comfortable enough to draw/paint infront of people. But once i started, i was very engrossed and time truly flies. I felt relax and am glad to be fully concentrated on something that i had always suspected i would enjoy. I may not paint well but paint gave me a mental space to relax.

After a little screw up with the external hdd over the weekend, he has finally flown to japan for his exhibition.

3 teenage boys sitting in KFC, wiping their face with blotting papers.

While joking with my dad on what he should give me for my birthday,
given a choice between a condo, a new car and a new phone...
predictably he said a phone without hesitation.

*evil grin*

the art of bargaining.
always put things into perspective using laws of relativity.

Wondering what phone should i get.

Thank you

to friends that spent time with me on my birthday
to brothers who remembered and sent gifts from all corners of the world
to parents who called just past midnight despite their work
to you for trying

Today passed and
then i am fully 27.